Well, one week and all the wiser. The bday was fun. I'm now 22. Sweet!

Anyways, I thought I would throw this up here since I thought I was particularly clever in a couple spots. It is just a little something that i did for Soc. and definitely didn't put much time into.

As men in this society, we think that we are free from all of the senseless rules that women subject themselves to. For example, we are free to wear white after Labor Day, still not recommended, and we don’t have to worry about matching our shoes with our belts. However, as I have started to think about it, it is amazing just how many unwritten rules there are that govern our manly interactions. From our handshakes, the tried and true Double Pump, to the way we tie our neckties, always the Windsor, there are hundreds of rules that we follow everyday.

One area that I find extremely interesting is our public restroom code of conduct. The public restroom has become a very uncomfortable place for most men in our society. We just want to get in, get the job done, and get out as quickly as possible. I’m not sure when exactly this behavior changed. During the times of the Romans, the public bath was an integral part of a person’s social life. People actually enjoyed gathering in the public restrooms. Today, resting is just about the last thing anyone does in our public bathrooms. People don’t even want to be in there long enough to properly wash their hands and now you want them to see each other naked? Not going to happen!

I am afraid I might be violating the “Man Law” by discussing this; after all it is very possible that women might realize just how insecure we really are. However, Is anyone familiar with the urinal selection process? There is a very elaborate set of rules that pertain to exactly which urinal it is acceptable to use. These rules are based upon the urinal configuration, which urinals are currently occupied, the urinal separation status i.e. “urinal stalls”, and many other factors. Allow me to walk you through some of the things men take into consideration. When entering a public restroom a man first observes how many other people are currently in the restroom. It is a very vulnerable time and we want to take a brief survey of the other occupants and how we would fair in a bathroom brawl. Men won’t pee if they are intimidated. This brings us to Rule Number 1: Always find the urinal that is farthest away from the door and any other person. If there are three urinals and only the middle is unoccupied, wait until an end becomes available. Rule Number 2: There is absolutely no recognition of any other person while at the urinal. No talking, nodding, or acknowledgement at anytime. Rule Number 3: Under no circumstances, can you look anywhere else but the wall directly in front of you. If you so happen to look at the man peeing next to you, he is fully justified in making sure that is the last pee you ever take. What happens if you see another man’s penis on accident? Are you gay? Are you checking him out? Only someone who was looking for a date would dare look at another man in the bathroom.

While I have lived my entire life following these rules without question, I wondered what would happen if I dared to break them. Is there a Department of Urinal Mainstream Pee Policy (D.U.M.P.P.)? A Police Investigating Social Secretion bureau (P.I.S.S.)? I was going to find out! Five unlucky individuals were randomly selected to be a part of my experiment. I conducted the tests in a hotel lobby bathroom at the Holiday Inn here in Eugene. When an unsuspecting test subject walked into the bathroom I followed them in and walked up to the urinal immediately next to the subject. Once the evacuation process began I would look over at the individual and say “How’s it going?”, a standard American greeting that requires no response. I was very careful to keep my eyes above shoulder level; I was definitely not prepared to delve into American men’s homophobia! The results were as expected but lacking the dramatic responses that I was hoping for. Out of the five tests, I was only once acknowledged; although even then it was only with a curt “Fine” before they quickly headed for the door. Every other time, the man kept his eyes firmly on the wall in front of him as he was trained to do. It was as if I didn’t even exist. While the other subjects didn’t voice any responses there were some obvious visual clues that gave away how uncomfortable they really were. People would instantly get tense and look nervous; the looked like they didn’t know what was going to happen next but were afraid of what ever it was.

I’m not sure why we are so uncomfortable in the bathroom. I mean it isn’t like what we are in there doing anything different than everyone else. Men crowd the urinal like a little boy hiding a treasure that he doesn’t want anyone else to see. I don’t get it. Everyone pees! Everyone has a penis that looks exactly like yours! No one cares about your special friend Winky, or whatever other ridiculous nickname you have come up with for it. I am confident that all of the current social norms surrounding the public restroom are based upon the incredible insecurity of the American man. Every day since the day we were born there is an incredible emphasis placed on masculinity. Everything that we do has to be considered masculine, from the sports we play, to pretending like we never cry. It is all a big show. We are so afraid someone might question our masculinity we put on this elaborate testosterone fueled show just to go to the bathroom. It is just another area where this insecurity is displayed. Men feel so vulnerable and exposed in the bathroom, that they can’t even muster the courage to say “Hi”. So the next time you are in the bathroom deciding which urinal to take, I dare you to use the stream less traveled.